It's a Baneful Life
by Coutelier
Summary: In this seasonal tale, based very loosely on a classic motion picture, Imoen and her friends help a succubus to get her wings.
1. Chapter 1

It's A Wonderful Life; honestly, one of the greatest movies ever made. But, clearly one that's ripe for parody, and as it's sort of seasonal, this is my parody, sort of... it does deviate from the films plot quite a bit.**  
**

Sordread, Claris, and, er, Scrotum, I suppose, are all mine. Eldoth Kron belongs to Bioware.

**It's a Baneful Life**

**Part One**

The smell of sulphur permeated the harsh, dry air. Columns of ash and smoke rose in columns up to the red, but strangely sunless sky, mushrooming out over the pits below, packed with scrawny, naked, desperately wailing mortals. This was the thirteenth circle of hell; far worse than the other circles, even though it was one few mortals had ever heard of. But then, esoteric cosmology was hardly a science.

This was a place reserved only for the most slimy, despicable, verminous mortals to languish forever. In a crater, a crowd of chattering, snapping imps had gathered in a circle to watch their Lord welcome one of the new arrivals, who had been stripped naked and made to stand in a bony cage. Quite often, they had to resort to trickery to get people all the way down here, but this one… this one had done it to himself.

"ELDOTH KRON," Lord Sordread's voice thundered and caused the whole landscape to tremble. He stood before a throne, a fourteen foot armoured figure, gnarled spikes protruding from his shoulders around a deep, faceless helm. "YOU, ARE THE MOST WRETCHED, WORMLIKE, VOMITOUS EXAMPLES OF HUMAN EXCREMENT I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO BEHOLD. AND I'VE SEEN QUITE A FEW."

"This is about Skie Silvershield again, isn't it?" Eldoth sighed, tossing back his floppy hair, his nose wrinkling in mild disgust. Nothing compared to the disgust the devils felt as they looked on his goateed face. He looked like someone who would be sweating all the time, even if it weren't for the tremendous heat. Even the slime demons thought he looked slimy and were keeping their distance.

"AMONG OTHERS."

"I don't know who you've been talking to, friend, but I treated her very well. It's much fuss about nothing, I tell you…"

"YOU MADE HER RUN AWAY FROM HER HOME…"

"I didn't make her; it was her choice. She was in love with me, the poor dear. It's hardly my fault that women can't resist me. I don't know what it is… just chemistry, I suppose."

"IT WAS IN THIS CASE; YOU DRUGGED HER. THEN, AFTER YOU'D RUN AWAY TOGETHER, YOU TRIED TO GET RANSOM FROM HER FATHER, SAYING YOU'D KIDNAPPED HER…"

"Well, I had to support us both, and he had heaps of cash. What else was I to do?"

"IF YOU'D LOVED HER, AS YOU SAID, YOU COULD PERHAPS HAVE MARRIED HER? THEN YOU WOULD HAVE INHERITED THOSE HEAPS, AS YOU SAY…"

"Well," Eldoth tried to tug at a non-existent collar, "She was so young, and I wasn't sure either of us were ready to be tied down yet…"

"THEN HER FATHER DISCOVERED THE TRUTH AND DISOWNED HER, REFUSING TO PAY ANY MORE RANSOM. REALLY, TOTALLY CUT HER OFF…"

"You can't blame me for his overreacting…"

"NO; BUT I CAN BLAME YOU FOR THE WAY YOU TREATED HER AFTERWARDS."

"What?! I provided for her, didn't I? I gave her a home, and a bed…"

"INDEED. THE SAME BED YOU SHARED WITH A DOZEN OTHER WOMEN… SOMETIMES, ALL AT ONCE…"

"So, I played around a little… What man doesn't? It's natural."

"IT IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR TO CHEAT ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND, IN HER BED, WHILE SHE'S IN IT."

"Granted, that was a bit extreme… b-but, you are overlooking one important, mitigating factor…"

"NAMELY?"

"Namely… namely, that," Eldoth's mind searched frantically, "it was all her fault."

"HOW SO?"

"We-ell…. She was always casting herself in the role of the victim, you see?"

"YES… I SEE…" the Dark Lord sounded bored, and started sharpening his axe, sparks flying as he struck a stone across it.

"A-and… she was very passive-aggressive. Her passiveness in particular was just… extremely provocative. So you can't possibly hold me responsible for everything… she brought it on herself, the little whore…"

"CAN YOU WORK OUT WHY I'M NOT LIKELY TO BUY ANY OF THESE EXCUSES?"

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE CAT SHIT FOR BRAINS. FURTHER, WHILE YOU WERE BUSY DRIVING A YOUNG WOMAN TOWARD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, YOU WERE ALSO BUSY SELLING THE LOCATION OF ALL YOUR OTHER COMRADES TO ONE JON IRENICUS…"

"Well, they were asking for it as well!" Eldoth suddenly spat and snarled. "They didn't say anything, but I could see it in their eyes; the way they were all judging me… how dare they! All strutting around with their smug morality… Hypocrites, the lot of 'em!"

"I'D HAVE THOUGHT A BARD, AT LEAST, WOULD KNOW WHAT THE WORD 'HYPOCRITE' REALLY MEANT, INSTEAD OF JUST USING IT TO TRY AND MENTALLY DRAG OTHERS DOWN TO HIS LOW LEVEL."

The human sneered, thrusting his hand out between the bars. "And how dare you! What power gave you the right to stand there and decide my fate, hmm?"

The long, loud, unyielding screech of stone grinding metal, then suddenly silence; even the imps chattering suddenly stopped. Lord Sordread slowly cranked his head, the little red pinpoints of light from inside his helm piercing the mortal. After a long pause, he spoke, "YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO GRIPS WITH THE POLITICS OF THIS PLACE YET, HAVE YOU?"

"You think you scare me? You can't even look me in the eye properly… admittedly, that may well be because you don't really have eyes… just an abyss where your face should be, but… I'm Eldoth Kron, dammit!"

"INDEED. THE LATE ELDOTH KRON, IN FACT. NOW, I MUST PRESS ON WITH OTHER MATTERS, SO MY MINIONS HERE WILL ESCORT YOU TO THAT GUILLOTINE OVER THERE… DO YOU SEE IT? THE TINY ONE THAT'S ABOUT WAIST HIGH?"

"… oh, gods…" Eldoth Kron's eyes suddenly bulged from his head.

"AH, YES; YOU MIGHT BE NOTICING THAT YOU'VE SUDDENLY GAINED A BIT OF WEIGHT."

"My… my back is just aching… I-I can barely stand," the human panted, his eyes watery, "what's happening?"

"YOU'RE PREGNANT."

"What!? How… how is that… oh, gods," he fell over.

"I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE EDUCATIONAL FOR YOU TO EXPERIENCE SOME OF THE PAIN YOU'VE PUT SO MANY OTHERS THROUGH. SO, YOU'RE EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS GONE… AND YOU WILL STAY THAT WAY. FOREVER."

The human writhed and started to scream, "The pain! THE PAIN! Make it stop, p-please…"

"NOW, DON'T PANIC; THOSE ARE JUST MINOR CONTRACTIONS," Sordread gestured for a minion to come forth, "TAKE HIM AWAY. I CAN NO LONGER STAND HIS LOATHSOME PRESENCE."

A huge, bloated, baleful red creature came and roughly shook the cage as it lifted it on its shoulder, before lurching away up the side of the crater.

"RIGHT," Lord Sordread sat down in his throne, "WHAT'S NEXT ON THE AGENDA?"

"Well," a chubby imp, chubby enough that his wings seemed quite a useless accessory, peered through a scroll, "we have still to deal with Claris, oh exalted master…"

"I SUPPOSE WE DO," Sordread slumped a little, "OH, VERY WELL; SUMMON HER FORTH."

The summoning didn't consist of much more than the imp calling out her name, followed by a flash and puff of smoke which, once dissipated, revealed a lithe, pretty young woman with red, round lips and long tresses of pink hair falling over her fair skin. A lot of fair skin. She really wasn't wearing much more than a white loincloth and two little triangles further up bound together by string.

"Oh… it's you," she pouted.

"HELLO, CLARIS."

"Look, I've told you," the young woman put her hands firmly on her hips, simultaneously stamping her foot. "I am not doing any of that… that mucky stuff…"

"RIGHT…"

"I mean… I just… I'm just not ready. I'm sorry."

"NO, NO… IT'S FINE. YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICE. AND I RESPECT THAT, TRULY."

"Well… good."

"IT'S JUST… WELL… YOU ARE A SUCCUBUS. A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF 'MUCKY STUFF' IS KIND OF SUGGESTED IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION."

She hissed, "I never applied for that job!"

"NONE OF US APPLIED FOR OUR JOBS, YOU FOOL. WE, DEVILS AND DEMONS, WE JUST… WE ARE WHAT WE ARE…"

"Oh," Claris pinched the bridge of her nose, leaning back, "please don't break into song again…"

"WELL IT'S TRUE!" Sordread huffed. "WE HAVE NO CHOICE; NO 'FREE WILL'. FROM THE MOMENT WE EXIST WE JUST GET WITH WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO. OR AT LEAST, MOST OF US DO."

"It's alright for you, though, isn't it? All you have to do is sit there and pass judgement on all the wretched souls that get dragged down here… bet you haven't seen half the things they're expecting me to do. It's all so… so messy. And unhygienic."

Lord Sordread started drumming his fingers on the arm of his throne. "CLARIS," he said after a moment, "WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?"

"What are you talking about? It's nothing, see?"

"SHOW ME YOUR OTHER HAND."

"There… see? Nothing."

"HMM… NOW SHOW ME YOUR TAIL."

"What? Why?!"

"JUST DO IT!"

Very reluctantly, and with her shoulders sagging, the succubus turned around. The end of her whip-like tail was coiled tightly around something.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF FEATHERS?"

"Well," she put a finger to her lip, "it… it is a bit dusty down here. And there were a lot of cobwebs around…"

"I KNOW. I PUT THEM THERE TO DISTURB THE MORTALS," there was an audible sigh from the lord, "AT LEAST NOW I KNOW WHY THEY KEEP DISAPPEARING… AND THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT? YOU'VE BECOME COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH BEING CLEAN ALL THE TIME."

"Well… they do say, cleanliness is next to godliness…"

"NO! NO IT ISN'T. TRUST ME; I'VE MET GODS, AND THEY ARE A VERY UNTIDY BUNCH. THEY ALWAYS LEAVE IT TO MORTALS TO FIX ALL THE MESSES THEY CREATE," another sigh, "I DON'T KNOW; WHAT AM I TO DO WITH HER, SCROTUM?"

The chubby imp looked up, "master?"

"REALLY, I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS…"

"Well, my liege… it is not the first time there have been problems like this with succubi."

"NO?"

"Indeed, your grand majesticness. See, the problem is that they are essentially part mortal… a very small part, but it means they are prone to developing these strange little quirks, like… like a conscience, or a compulsion to tidy all the time."

"BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?"

"I hate to be the one to suggest it, oh exalted one, but… obliteration may be the only recourse you have left."

Claris stood wide eyed and shivering, "o-obliteration?"

"Yes… blasting you apart into your constituent atoms, then scattering them across all of time and space."

"But… b-but you can't!" She both demanded and pleaded, "it's barbaric…"

"Oh, don't worry; we'll use a dustpan and brush."

"No! I… I-I want to live…"

"IF YOU WANT TO LIVE," Lord Sordread stood and towered over her, "THEN DO WHAT YOU WERE CREATED FOR. I WILL GIVE YOU JUST ONE LAST CHANCE," he held up a hand, seeming to grasp something invisible, at first. A second later a very large hourglass appeared. "YOU HAVE UNTIL THIS TIMER RUNS OUT TO GO FORTH, INTO THE WORLD OF MEN, SEDUCE AND DAMN ONE OF THEIR SOULS, AND RETURN IT TO ME."

"Right," Claris gulped, and straightened up, obviously trying to feign some sort of stoic resolve. "Seduce a mortal? I… I could do that. I mean, they're only mortals… how hard could it be? I'll just close my eyes and hold my nose through the messy… but, i-it might not even come to that, right? All I've got to do is convince one of them to give me his soul… it'll be easy. Easy peasy…"

"PERHAPS."

"Does… does it have to be a man?"

"NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A MAN. IT JUST HAS TO BE SENTIENT AND CAPABLE OF MAKING MORAL DECISIONS."

"Right."

"BUT NOT A DOLPHIN. WE'RE NOT EQUIPPED TO HANDLE THEM… YET."

"And… if… if I fail?"

"THEN I GET THE DUSTPAN."

Sordread turned his arm around, the sands started to tumble at, what seemed to Claris at least, a quite alarming rate.

"GOOD LUCK."


	2. Chapter 2

Imoen, Aerie, Tenya, Skie Silvershield and Nalia are all characters belonging to Bioware.

**It's a Baneful Life**

**Part Two**

_She… she's so strong… _Aerie gulped. The blue eyed elf thought she had been prepared for this battle, with her shield firmly attached to her arm and her golden hair spread out over her shoulders beneath a metal helm that seemed a couple of sizes too big for her. But even after blocking the first blow, her legs felt rubbery and her arms heavy. But she steeled herself. She had resolved to make a stand here, for herself and for her friends; there was no way she would let them down.

Her opponent leapt and twisted in the air, getting as much momentum as possible into the swing of her quarterstaff. This time, Aerie didn't just block, or try to bat it away. Instead, remembering what Jaheira had taught her, she deflected the blow in such a way that the momentum continued to carry her opponent forward, exposed and off balance. It would have been the perfect moment for a counter attack… but that wasn't the plan.

Tenya growled, the young teen's face turning almost completely red. As soon as the black haired, black eyed little priestess had composed herself, she pounced again, swinging wildly as Aerie continued to deflect and dance around her. Although the avariel seemed to be losing a lot of ground, the teen's frustration kept growing. "Stop running away!" She cried, "stand still and let me wallop you!"

Aerie, being the underdog in most fights she'd had, didn't normally answer back since she was too busy concentrating on not getting killed. But, this time, she said with an innocent shrug and smile, "hm… m-mind if I don't?" She thought the girl might be getting tired, at last. She was wrong.

"Don't get cocky!" Tenya yelled and swung, surprising the elf yet again with the speed and power of the blow. It narrowly missed Aerie's head, but the avariel had to back step quickly, losing her balance and falling on her back.

Stunned for a second, the elf opened her eyes and rolled out the way just in time to avoid the teen's boot coming down on her belly. Tenya hissed, fixing the elf with an icy gaze as she continued to roll up to her feet. The priestess tilted her head, perhaps considering a new strategy… but then thought of something else.

"Why are you only defending?" She asked, suspicion growing with each syllable as, for the first time, she stood perfectly still in the middle of the training room. "Maybe… maybe you're just here to provide a diversion…" the girl realised too late.

"Now! Get her!" A sack suddenly fell over Tenya's head, just before a red haired young woman in dark leather tackled her to the ground. "Grab her legs!" Imoen cried, desperately trying to hold on the priestess.

Another young woman, with brown hair tied into a ponytail and an almost perfectly spherical face, jumped in to try and restrain the girl's feet.

Tenya's cries, although slightly muffled, were clear enough through the sack covering her entire torso. "Get this thing offa me! It itches!"

"Yeah, well," Imoen sighed, "maybe if you didn't bite so much it wouldn't be necessary, now, would it?"

"I said get off me!" Still thrashing about, Tenya managed to get one of her feet free and kick out, catching the brown haired woman on the chin.

Gasping, Aerie hurried over, first to check that Skie was okay, then to help in subduing the priestess.

"It's alright," Skie told her, getting a hold of both feet again, "I've got it…"

"This is isn't fair!" Tenya wailed, "It's three against one!"

Imoen smirked, "see your maths is improving…"

"I'll get you all for this! I… I-I'll summon whole swarms of face eating jellyfish!"

"Sure, sure… alright?" The redhead nodded to Skie, who nodded back. "Let's get her up, then…" between them, they heaved the girl up and as fast as they dared through, the priestess still thrashing and trying to break free.

"I'll report you!" Tenya cried as she was removed, "this is child abuse!"

Aerie, still panting, collapsed against a wall. The diminutive blonde dropped her shield, and slowly removed her helmet, wiping a forearm across her weary brow.

"That was quite a raucous, wasn't it?" Yet another woman, a bit taller than all of the others and with reddish-brown hair and finely stitched blue and gold clothing, materialised next to the elf. "Does that sort of thing happen often here?"

"E-every other tenday, at least," Aerie admitted.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-yes… I will be, thank you, Nalia," the elf sighed, "the… the funny thing is, she's fine… o-once you get her in the bath, she calms right down."

* * *

Tenya could faintly be heard splashing, and singing, and very happily playing with her ducks by Skie and Aerie in the shop downstairs.

Currently, the shop was closed, as Skie, who Imoen had entrusted with running the business side of things, had decided to do some remodeling, as well as expand the range of products. Previously it had just been a bookshop, but Skie said that there probably wasn't much call for a bookshop in a city where the majority of people couldn't read; that was the kind of business acumen she had absorbed from her family in Baldur's Gate, who had long been a merchant family before getting involved in politics … before the whole Eldoth thing happened and she got booted out.

The windows were foggy. Aerie wiped a cloth across one of the panes, and tried to peer outside. Even with her eagle-like vision, it was impossible to see very far through all the falling snow. There only two people outside, a couple, hunched and huddled together as they crunched through the thick white carpet on their way home. It can't have snowed in Amn for many, many years. The last time Aerie had seen snow was back home, in the mountains. She and her friends would have snowball fights. She was always able to scoop up quite a lot, then take off and soar through the air on one of her bombing runs… The elf suddenly jumped.

"Aerie!" Skie yelled in her ear. "Stop thinking!"

"Um," the elf looked at the brunette, perplexed, "e-excuse me?"

"Imoen warned me not to let you start thinking. She said whenever you do, you get all anxious and depressed about everything."

"But… I-I wasn't. I was smiling… I… I-I was remembering a time when… w-when I was happy…" she hung her head.

"Forget about it. Look; the reason I asked you here us because… well, I think you need to work on your sales patter a bit."

"I do?"

"You remember last time you were working? A customer came in, and you… you immediately hid behind the counter. And when he rang the bell you said there was no-one in."

"I panicked… I-I'm sorry…"

"Well, you shouldn't panic like that, Aerie," Skie lifted the blonde's chin and continued to help build her confidence, "There's no reason for you to be nervous around strangers. I mean, you're smart, you're pretty… you're just as good as anyone else out there. Plus, it's not good for business, is it?"

"It's just… I-I only used to come down here, because… we never had any customers before. I-it was relaxing; I could just sit down and read all the books on my own," the elf finished with a wistful sigh.

"Well I'm determined to make this business a success," Skie said, emphasizing it by punching her own palm, "I mean, it may just be one tiny shop now, but… we can expand. Open others… maybe even some franchises. Heh, yeah… my family may have disavowed me, but someday, I will go back… oh, yes, I will go back. And then I'll show those treacherous leeches what a hostile takeover really is…"

"Um… Skie?" Aerie blinked. "You… you're scaring me…"

"Oh… sorry," the brunette shook her ponytail. "Anyway; Imoen thinks it'll be good for you to learn how to deal with the general public."

"I-I suppose," the elf sighed resignedly, "W-where is Imoen, anyway?"

"She said she had to arrange something; she'll be back in a few minutes."

"Imoen… h-had to arrange something?" Aerie repeated, slowly. "A-am I the only person to whom that sounds a little bit… ominous?"

"If it's another one of her pranks I expect we'll all find out about it soon enough. Shall we get on?"

"I-I suppose…"

"Good. So, you've looked over all the new products and the notes I gave you?"

"Yes, but… look, I-I really don't feel comfortable about, well… lying to people…"

"You're right; don't lie. Never lie when you're selling; you'll just get caught."

"But… some of the things it says in these pamphlets…"

"Are all true. There's not a single lie anywhere."

"Really?" Aerie looked highly doubtful.

"No; you see, you've just got to learn to approach the truth from a more obtuse angle," Skie explained, but Aerie still seemed doubtful.

"R-right… I… don't really know what that means."

"Well, take this anti-aging cream here. We say, 'it's proven to show results in one hundred per cent of women'."

"Y-yes… although, half of them did turn into lizards…"

"Which is a result. So we're not lying; we just leave that bit out. You see?"

"I… I suppose," the elf's doubt had not in fact lessened to any degree. "I suppose, t-technically in an experiment, if nothing happens, then it's a result…"

"Like with the incense that's supposed to keep yetis away. Or," Skie leaned over a shelf stacked with bottles, "oh! How about this one; it's a lotion that fights baldness."

"So… i-it fights," Aerie pondered, "i-in the same way that a rabbit might fight a bear. W-we're not saying anything about its chances of actually winning?"

"You see! You are getting the hang of this!"

"It… it still feels dishonest, somehow… a-and some of this, like that yeti thing… t-that could result in people really getting hurt, if they start putting their trust in something that's really unproven…"

"But there are such good margins on that!" Skie pleaded, but Aerie was putting her foot down on this point, metaphorically anyway. "Oh, all right," the human woman relented, "look; when Imoen gets back, we'll go through everything, and if you think it could really hurt someone, then we won't sell it. Okay?"

"Okay. Good."

"Heh… you know, I guess that's why Imoen likes you so much."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… I suppose, if you were to look at our little group as being a single entity, then you're clearly the conscience. The other parts are… less clear, and overall it's probably not a very good analogy, but your role in it, I think, is one thing we can be certain of."

"I…" it took Aerie a moment to fully deconstruct all that. "Imoen is a good person," she said at last, "she doesn't need me for that."

"Sure; she is a good person… basically. But, so much has been happening to her recently that I think she does need someone close to her to help keep her on the right path. So I'm just saying, I'm glad she found you."

Aerie was about to answer, when the shop door opened, ringing the little bell Jan Jansen had recently installed, which to everyone's surprise, seemed to work exactly like the gnome said it would.

"Heya!" Imoen beamed as soon as she entered, her skin pale except for very red cheeks. She spoke as she unwrapped her scarf and removed her heavy cloak, hanging it on a hook in the corner. "You talking 'bout me? What have I told y'all about doing that behind my back?"

"You talk about people behind their backs all the time," Skie reminded her.

Imoen didn't seem to understand what point she was making. "Well, that's different," she shrugged, "I'm me. Now, what've you been saying? If it was about me causing all this bad weather 'cos I made fun of Auril, then it's all a lie."

"Yeah… no. We were just…"

"So, I painted a moustache on one little statue? But I mean, who expects a goddess to throw a hissy fit over something so trivial? You'd… think they'd be above that, really…"

"No… we were just talking about the shop. About the incense that keeps yetis away…"

"Really? That could be handy in this weather... how's it work?"

Aerie shook her head. "It doesn't…"

Imoen arched an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. A-and, does it matter? There aren't any yetis around here anyway…"

"So, it does work then! I'll take a dozen!"

"Oh… you're just winding me up," Aerie huffed, "y-you're… such a child…"

"And this coming from someone who won't go to sleep 'til I bring her a glass of warm milk every night…"

Skie was intrigued. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. Sometimes she makes me read her a story as well."

Aerie stamped her foot, clenching her tiny fists. "Those are lies!"

Imoen laughed. "Awww… but, look! Your cheeks have turned bright red… so cute," she grinned, pinching the cheeks in question.

The elf mumbled, "s-stop… stop that…"

"Look at your little chubby face!" The redhead said, like she was talking a baby.

"Y-you know I don't like it…"

"Who's a pretty girl? Is it you, girl?"

"Right… t-that's it!" Aerie thrust her arms up between Imoen's, and out, breaking the grip. Before the redhead could resume the torture, the elf had tackled her and they were rolling on the floor.

"Hey… Hey! You two," Skie tried desperately to make herself heard over all the yelping and giggling, "please, can you be…" too late. One of the pyramids she'd spent hours arranging came tumbling down in seconds. "… Careful," she sighed. "How can I be expected to run a business when this keeps happening?"

After a few moments, Imoen was sat up in front of the counter, her arms around Aerie who she'd sat up just in front of her. "Give?" She asked.

The elf raised an arm… but instead of trying to break the redhead's hold, she pointed out the window. "L-look…" she croaked.

"Oh, no… I'm not falling for that again…"

"No… o-on the pier… a woman…"

Skie stepped over them, to the window. "She's right," the brunette confirmed, "there is someone there."

"So?" Imoen asked.

"Well… she's naked. Almost."

Now, of course, none of them were usually interested in seeing other naked women. But, considering what the weather was like out there, this one did pique their curiosity. So Imoen let Aerie go, and all three of them had their noses against the glass, staring. The woman in question had fair skin, and long pink… really pink hair. She seemed to be wearing just a white loincloth and bra. Strange that she didn't seem to be shivering as she stood right on the edge of the pier, gazing into the water.

"The waters ice cold," Skie whispered.

Aerie looked to the others. "You… y-you don't think she's thinking about…?" She didn't need to finish; it was what they were all thinking. What other explanation could there be?

"Lets… go and ask her," Imoen suggested. They all hurried outside, grabbing their respective cloaks as they went, still tying them as they ran along the planks and exposing themselves to the grey skies and bitter wind. The redhead slowed, not wanting to get so close as to make the young woman, well, jumpy.

"Heya," she greeted.

"Sod off," the woman answered.

"Sorry… didn't mean to be a bother. I just thought it would be a nice day for a walk on the pier. You too, huh?"

"No."

"Right, right… you, do seem a little bit under dressed for it, if you don't mind me saying…"

"It doesn't matter," the pink-haired woman shook and bowed her head toward the deep, dark waves. "Nothing matters."

"Oh, no… no, that ain't true. Lots of things matter. Like… like you. You matter, dontcha? Every person matters."

"I'm not a person."

"Now, don't believe that. Life can be cruel, sometimes, but nothing that's happened makes you any less of a person…"

"You really don't understand…"

"Well, why don't you tell us about it? It helps, sometimes, just to get things off your chest, y'know?"

"I tried. I really tried my best, but… I don't know. I just don't understand love and… the other stuff…"

"Oh… that old chestnut. Well, y'know, it's true what they say. There are plenty more fish in the sea," Imoen said, then thought about what was happening. "O-or not, actually… maybe best to stay out of the sea…"

"Fish are no good. Their brains just aren't evolved enough."

"Er… r-right," Imoen glanced back to the others, mouthing 'what'? They just shrugged.

"I mean, you'd think it would be easy, wouldn't you? Seducing men."

"Um, I… I guess…"

"The first one thought I'd come to audition for some show; he just told me I was cute then gave me a card. The second one was too old, really; he had a heart attack the moment my breast touched his face. The third one… I think I might have come on too strong and scared him off, or something…"

"Y-yeah," Imoen was, well, finding this all a bit hard to follow. "That's… unlucky… I guess…"

"You wanna talk about unlucky? There I was, walking along, when suddenly two fella's came and grabbed me from behind, dragging me into an alley… well, of course, I thought my prayers had been answered, but do you know what happened?"

"Er… what?"

"Some stupid, tin-headed paladin came and chased them away! How unlucky was that?"

"I'm… not sure what to say to that. Which is rare for me…"

"I mean, what is wrong with this world? Are there no more indecent men left?"

"Not sure what to say to that either…"

"There… there was one other. But, when the time came, I just… I couldn't go through with it. All that… mucky stuff," she finally shivered, "besides, he'd been so nice to me that it… it didn't feel right. Not right at all… but, what it means is, I'm finished. Might as well just pack it all in and… embrace oblivion."

Imoen blinked, still completely lost. "Well, I still don't really understand at all what's been going on, but… c'mon. It's other people who sacrifice virgins; you don't have to do it yourself," she said, reaching out a hand. "Just… step back a bit, okay?"

"What? What are you talking about? I wasn't going to…" she turned around, fast, and hit Imoen's arm. It was a light blow, but she was obviously surprised the redhead had managed to creep so close… and she lost her balance, shortly before a splash.

The redhead gritted her teeth. "Great… just… just hold on!" She yelled, pulling off her boots.

"No… I-Imoen, you can't!" Aerie hurried forward. "The water's freezing…"

"We can't just leave her, can we? You two just get ready to pull me out…" she dived in before there could be any more protests. "O-o-h y-e-ah… that… t-t-that is c-c-cold," she noted as backstroked, and tried to look around for the pink haired woman… she was finding it very hard to control her muscles… in fact, she already seemed to have lost her legs altogether. Then she heard some splashing coming toward her.

"You stupid mortal… what'd you go and do that for?" The pink haired woman swam up and put an arm around her.

"I-I-I'm… s-s-saving… you…"

"Sure; you're a hero. Just try not to hyperventilate on me, okay?" A wooden ring splashed down and floated nearby, a rope tied to it with Skie and Aerie on the other end ready to pull them in.


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter introduces the heroes to Claris. After this they'll go on a little bit of an adventure bumping into some other and perhaps unexpected characters. Oh, and although it's mentioned a lot, no actual mucky stuff actually takes place in this story, in case anyone was worried and/or looking forward to it.**  
**

**It's a Baneful Life**

**Part Three**

"I'm all wet!" The pink woman bellowed indignantly, twisting and ringing out her hair. "What is this? Is this seaweed?" She squelched her face, tears starting to form. "Ewww… this is awful! I need to wash it out…" she said, continuing to pick and twist her braids more tightly. "Also, you know this place was a tip when I came in. How can anything live like that? It's disgusting."

Across the room, Aerie was busying herself burying the still shivering Imoen under a mound of rugs and blankets, as if she feared the flickering flames from the fireplace weren't enough to warm her friend. She would have probably used her own body for warmth too, were there not other matters as well. When she finally returned with a steaming tankard, helping Imoen to guide it to her lips, she turned on the woman who had caused them to run out, the little blonde's arms folded suspiciously.

"What are you?" Aerie asked.

The pink haired woman tilted her head, casting an eye over the elfling as if weighing her up. Aerie was hardly an imposing figure on her own, but there were others; Skie with a hand ready on the hilt of a sword, and even Nalia had appeared again to see what was going on, after applying all her makeup, her quarterstaff aloft and glowing with magical energy. Eventually, the pink haired woman closed her eyes and turned away. "My name is Claris," she said.

The elf sighed, "that wasn't what I asked, a-and you know it."

"Look, elfling; it's not my fault your friend'll be sneezing 'til her eyes pop out, okay? I never asked her to dive into the water after me. It was her fault I fell in, wasn't it? She shouldn't creep up on people."

"True. But then, I-I can't help but be curious as to why standing out in the cold and falling into freezing water hasn't affected you at all. Especially dressed like that."

"Well…" Claris rolled her tongue around her mouth in tandem with her hand making circles in the air. "I'm… just naturally cold resistant, I suppose. Yes; I grew up in the far north. That's it."

Aerie considered this. She herself grew up in the mountains; she knew it was possible for a body to adapt to extreme temperatures, although she'd never heard of anyone adapting to the extent Claris was claiming. "Still… s-something about you doesn't feel quite… natural…"

Skie asked, "what do you mean?"

"It's… hard to explain. I never got to learn all the skills my people have, b-but… I can still _feel_ life around me. But the… the energy, I suppose, that I feel from her… i-it's like it's dark energy. The only time I've felt energy like that before, is when I've been in the presence of demons…"

Claris gasped, "please! Do I look like a demon? Big, ugly, brutish, things, with more teeth and horns than an entire marching band… yuck."

"A devil, then…"

"Eeewwwyou know what?" Claris turned away again, brushing herself, "I've got to go; appointments to keep and things like that. And, all that ash and dust from the fireplace is sticking to me and getting in my hair… got to get it off, fast…" she started heading for the door which, seemingly of its own accord, slammed shut before she could reach it.

Aerie opened her eyes, breathing slowly. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I can't let you leave."

The devil shook her head. "You really think that will stop me?"

"Probably not, but… l-like I said, I can't let you leave. I can't let a succubus wander the city on her own."

Nalia stepped forward, her staff raising and increasing in intensity. "Or at all, I should think. I have a responsibility to protect the citizens, so we need to send this creature back where it came from," she looked determinedly at her companions, only to find them rather less resolute.

Aerie had her arms folded, her head bowed, and her lips pursed pensively.

"Well? What are we waiting for?" The noblewoman asked.

Looking up, the elf explained, "i-it's just… she did save Imoen's life…"

"Right," Nalia nodded along, "so… why aren't we sending her straight back to hell?"

"She isn't threatening us now. Besides, I… I-I can't fight someone who isn't fighting back…"

"That's the best time to fight them! It's only a pity she's awake."

"You… y-you wouldn't really kill a person in their sleep, w-would you?"

"She's not a person, Aerie. She's a devil. A succubus. She's pure evil. She's…"

"Crying?"

Claris had collapsed into a chair, falling over herself, arms around her knees as her shoulders bobbed irregularly.

Nalia turned away in disgust. "Yes, well… it's obviously a trick. She realises you're soft, so she's trying to play on your sympathy. Soon as you get close to try comforting her, she'll punch a hole in your chest and pull out your bleeding heart."

"Maybe," Aerie conceded, "b-but… I still think her saving a life with no obvious benefit to herself means we should at least try to find out more before concluding anything."

Claris made a futile attempt to wipe away her tears before addressing them once more. "You know, I really don't care what you do. One or another, I'll soon be returning to hell. And there to face oblivion."

"You said that before," Aerie remembered, "w-what does it mean?"

"When you die in this world, you move on to the next. But, obliteration… oblivion… that's a real and final end to existence. Only gods and the lords of hell themselves can do it; they take you apart atom by atom and scatter them so they can never come together the same way again."

"But why would it happen to you?"

"Because I'm a succubus. I'm just… not a very good one. This was my last chance. I blew it… well, actually I didn't. That's the problem," she went on, explaining her situation with Sordread, only pausing to point out how dusty the shelves were.

"Sure," Nalia nodded. "Um, Aerie… a word please. Now," she beckoned, leaning slightly over the elf as they turned their backs on the succubus. "So, if we're not going to destroy her, then what, exactly, is the plan here?"

"I-I don't know," the elf admitted with a frustrated shrug. She wished the devil was trying to punch holes in her chest and suck her soul out. When she was attacked she knew what to do; she just let her instincts take over. But this, with devil just sat there with her head between her knees… that just made things awkward. "I've… never been in a situation like this before."

"Well, for once, you're not alone."

Claris had stopped crying, although there were still some sniffs. Mostly she was now looking up at the group curiously. "Can I ask," she asked, and then did anyway, "why does the tall brown haired one have a face like a clown?"

The noblewoman pursed her lips and sucked in her cheeks trying to restrain her tongue. "My name is Nalia. And I do not have a face like a clown. I'm wearing makeup."

"But why do you need that much?"

"I don't need it!" Nalia snapped, red faced. Well, redder faced. "It's just the fashion. Not that I expect you to understand fashion. It's obviously something you don't have a use for."

"Fashion? You mean like clothes? Like the sparkly yellow robes you're wearing?"

"This is very exclusive," the noblewoman announced proudly, a hand gently coiling back and touching her own chest. "hand stitched by elven priestesses and embroidered with hair from dryads."

"I think it looks cheap."

"Cheap!" She snapped again. Aerie tried to put an arm around Nalia to hold her back, but it appeared it would make little difference. "Have you any idea how much this cheapness costs?" She soon started to control herself. "Anyway, I will not be lectured on fashion by someone wearing someone wearing some string and a hankie. How much did that cost?"

"Nothing, really. I can just sort of make whatever clothing I want materialise around me."

"So why don't you cover yourself?"

Claris shrugged. "I'm a succubus. This is what we wear. It's just… conservatism, I suppose."

"Right," Nalia evidently thought it wise just not to talk to her anymore, and turned back to Aerie. "I still say we blast her."

The pile of blankets moved, Imoen's head slowly climbing up like a tortoise coming out of it's shell. Her nostrils were flared and raised pushing the rest of the nose almost flat against her face. With her mouth a perfect circle and her face tense, the head bobbed a few times, before finally the face relaxed and she beckoned Skie to lean over her, then started to nasally mumble.

"Uh-huh," the round headed young woman listened intently and nodded. "Imoen says she thinks we should help the succubus."

Nalia burst into a mocking laugh. "Right. And, how does she propose to do that? Find a volunteer? I'm sure men would line up, but it's the getting dragged to hell part that's a bit a hard sell I think."

Imoen shrugged, and mumbled more so that Skie could translate. "Maybe we could find someone who'd enjoy that as well… like a masochist. Or an arsonist."

The noblewoman was stumped, mouth snapping but having to concede that there was a certain logic there.

It was left up to Aerie to point out the flaw. "A-a masochists torment might just be that everyone is really nice and gentle…"

"That's right," Claris affirmed, "torments are always tailored to the individual. A lot of men are emasculated, or a vain woman might have her hair turn into serpents and constant bites cause all her skin to swell up. It's quite an art, really."

The redhead scrunched her face, finger on lip as she thought. Eventually, Skie was once again acting as interpreter. "Imoen is wondering if we can think of anyone who would deserve it..."

"Oh!" Nalia lit up, turning to the devil. "Have you met a man named Isaea? Because I could introduce you to my former fiancé, if you like…"

Aerie bit her lip, and hmmed.

"What? Why are you hmming? The man is involved in slavery. Don't tell me you don't think he would deserve it! Aerie, I expected you to want him punished almost as much as I do."

"I-I do think he should be punished. It's just, i-if we send him to hell, he'll be there forever, and I… I just think that, surely, any crimes a person commits during their finite time in this world, no matter how bad, would be outweighed by punishment that lasted eternity…"

"So, you're saying you think hell should have some sort of system of parole?"

Nalia's hand went up covering her own face. "Why do you have to bring morality and justice into it?"

"Because… t-that's what us makes different to people like Isaea, I suppose."

"And look where it gets us? We're never going to be able to work this one out. I sometimes think that being bad would just make life a whole lot easier…"

There was very fast, very sharp chooing sound, although followed by a very round, very slimy blob flying across the room and splatting across Nalia's chest. Imoen stood up, smiling and holding her palms out apologetically.

The noblewoman closed her eyes and tried to breathe, slowly. "I," she began, clenching her fist. "If… anyone needs me, I shall be in the washroom."

"W-would you like help?" Aerie asked, knowing that it was not a place Nalia was accustomed to.

"No. I would just like to be alone, now, thank you…"

As the noblewoman left the room, Aerie thought she saw a tear. She would have run after, but Imoen, having cleared her nose, jumped up and started speaking.

"So, heya, I'm Imoen," the redhead waved with a wide smile, "you've met Aerie, my minion."

The blonde was agape. "I… I-I am not your minion…"

"No, of course not!" Imoen hugged and patted her on the head. "Ye're a foot soldier as well. Oh, and that's Skie. She runs the shop for me."

"The one that was a tip?" Claris glared.

"I'll sort it out," Skie sighed, "honestly; you try having her for a boss."

"You wanna swap?" Claris asked, hopefully. Skie actually thought about it.

"Okay, so, look," Imoen bounced; she seemed to have a lot of pent up perkiness after being almost drowned and then buried under the blankets, "what I think is, we should try to figure out what exactly your problem with men is."

"I don't have a problem," Claris sagged a little in her chair, "and maybe that is part of the problem. My job, you see, is to seduce them… tempt them, I suppose. Make them be unfaithful and engage in all sorts of sinful behaviour. Then, when I do the… the mucky business," she said like there was a bad smell, "I suck out their souls and take them to hell."

"So… what're you finding difficult?"

"All of it! But mostly… mostly the mucky stuff. I mean, I've tried. I've looked at it. I've read all the books. But, I just can't do it. It's so… filthy. I mean," she held out a hand, palm up, and then a large colourfully covered tome simply popped into existence there, "look!"

Claris opened it, flicked through the pages, and held it up in both hands to show the three other young women the pictures; for the next moment, they all found it very hard to blink.

"How is that appealing to you mortals?" The succubus asked. "I mean, that… that isn't even in the right hole, is it? Why would you want to put it there?"

Skie kept trying to look away. They all were. But they all couldn't. "I'd… say it was more for his pleasure than for hers," the brunette said.

"But why would she let him do that? It can't be good for you."

"W-why would you worry if it's good for you?" Aerie asked. "I mean, y-you can't get sick, can you?"

"I like to look after myself. We're all taught when we spawn to look after ourselves, keep clean and neat and tidy. But, all that contorting, and… and juice. That is not clean or tidy. It's disgusting."

Skie thought, "well… is the problem that you just don't like the thought of doing it with men, maybe?"

"No; that's not it. It's all the same to us. It's just that men are easier to find."

"I suppose, but there are a few taverns in the city I know about," Skie then felt that, suddenly, everyone's eyes were off the book and on her. "What?"

"How do you know about them?" Imoen asked.

"I have a friend."

"A friend, eh?"

"Yes, a friend! She's a sailor and she comes in and I just talk to her sometimes, okay?"

"Okay… I believe ya."

"Eldoth may have been bad, but he hasn't turned me or anything. And as I've actually had a boyfriend, and you haven't, and you're always jumping on and wrestling Aerie all the time…"

The elf quickly interjected, "I-I think we're getting a bit off topic…"

Claris evidently agreed. "As I was saying, devils don't really have a sexuality. It's all the same."

"So, no succubus really enjoys sex?"

"It's just work. We're supposed to study and imitate mortals and, well, fake it," Claris sagged, "not that it matters; I hardly ever get that far anyway. I guess, not being mortal myself, I just can't understand things like love and that other stuff. I don't know how any of my sisters manage it."

Imoen pondered. "Well… that's one for you I think, Aerrers. 'What is love'?"

The elf blinked. "W-why me?"

"You read all them philosophy books, right?"

"Yes, but… I-I'm not sure the theory that we were once all four legged beasts who the gods split in two is really all that useful, here…"

"But… you have been in love?"

"I thought I was, once… b-but it turned out to just be indigestion."

Imoen lost some of her perkiness, starting to pace a bit with her head lowered. "And Skie;s only ever been the pulled, not the puller… and I'm…"

Skie finished, "a twenty year old child?" She sighed, "but I admit; we do seem a bit under qualified in this."

The redhead continued to pace pensively. "Ah-hah!" She slapped, then pointed a finger, "but, we do know someone who some might consider an expert on these matters, or at least with the whole seduction part. Seems a good place to start."

"You do?" Claris's eyes lit up.

"Uh-huh," Imoen nodded, "just everyone get a cloak, and follow. You too devil woman; that little you got on ain't exactly conspicuous in this weather."

As they made their way to the cloak room, Aerie tugged gently on the redhead's arm. "We're… not really going to help her get… laid, are we?"

"Nah," Imoen shook, "but we're not gonna come up with anything just standing round here. Least this will keep her out of trouble, 'til we can think of something else."

Aerie nodded her understanding, but then asked, "um… w-where are we going? And who is this expert?"

"Oh, it's… it's someone you know," Imoen explained tactfully, then less tactfully she pointed to the front door and announced, "to the cemetery!"


End file.
